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I am an outgoing boy who may be

I am an outgoing boy who may be overwhelmingly active and sort of crazy and insane sometimes.

Last summer, a friend of mine who had been studying abroad came back and threw a friends reunion party. I was invited. So excited to meet her that my craziness was acting up, I tightly hugged a friend who I thought was intimate immediately I arrived the party. He was annoyed and tried to get off but I didn’t let him go. Indeed, my hug might be somewhat annoying because of my gayness and especially when the hug was somewhat girly. However, his coldness got on my nerves. I am a person who can’t take rejection. So, I didn’t stop being crazy, I started hugging another guy instead. As a result, some of them in the party(who I thought were even good friends) bitched about me. This really got my dander up so I was being really insane at that party and I deleted everyone who bitched from my QQ friends lists.(QQ is a messaging software, popular in China.)

I have never talked to those so-called friends after that. I told myself I shouldn’t have held grudges but I couldn’t. So, every party where they are invited I woudn’t go to. Their voices would gross me out if I met them again. Or maybe I was just afraid...

Is that hug really that annoying? I don’t know how straight guys slice it but from my perspective, my hug just shows my affection to them. My behavior might be somewhat girly but is it really obnoxious? Or, were they just discriminating against gays like me?

I don’t think I was born gay. I had Gynecomastia when I was in puberty and that was what I thought made me gay. Even though I had grown out of my boobs but my gayness had become part of who I am. I was somewhat sissy I admit so that I might have been ‘she-male’ in their eyes?

I don’t have genuine friends. There used to be some friends willing to hang out with me, but none of them is my friend any longer. One of them who I thought was my soul mate dumped me because she could’t stand I eating Baozi(A traditional Chinese food, you can google it if you want to know what it is). Every time I eat Baozi, she looks me with a eye that can kill me. “Don’t you know that Baozi stinks?! Do you want to gross me out?!” She even tells everybody in my class how Baozi smells. Okay I admit, it was my fault that I ate Baozi in classroom, but how could she being so mean to tell the head teacher on me?(In China, every class has a teacher in total charge and able to implement the punishment) I wanted to beg her of friendship but I finally gave up. I was nobody to her even if she was everybody to me.

Today I threw a graduation party (it’s a traditional Chinese custom that everyone who graduated from high school and get admitted to a university should throw a party to celebrate). I asked everybody I know to come, but you know what? The number who came is merely three. When my dad and mom was asking me why my friends hadn’t come, I was speechless. I don’t want anyone to know that I am not popular. What could I have said about this? After that, one of my friends who came to my party sent me a QQ message:”I think you should probably take it into consideration - why there should be so few friends came to your party. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I just think you should probably reflect on it...” Suddenly, a feeling of pain bursted in my head. I could barely breathe with this traumatic pain exploding in my body. I don’t want to think it that way, but am I just a freak that everybody hates?
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Ditulis oleh: nissa sekar - Saturday, August 24, 2013

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